Archive for the ‘Head Clearing’ Category

Blank page

Posted: September 17, 2012 in Head Clearing

Blank pages have always haunted me. I’ve always felt the need to fill them with something. I sat down today to write something, and I just sat there looking at the blank page on my screen.

It just sits there and taunts me.

“You have nothing worthwhile to say.”

“Nobody really cares what you think.”

“Why are you still wasting your time on this pipe dream?”

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

“Don’t even try. Just give up and go back to ignoring life.”

These voices in my head tell me all these things every time I sit down to try to write something. Sometimes I listen. Obviously, sometimes I don’t, or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

I think most people go through this though. I know that I’m not alone. If you read any blog about writing and creativity, you’ll see that it happens to everyone. But that doesn’t mean the voices aren’t just as loud in my ears. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe them half the time.

I’m not saying that I have anything earth shattering to say. I’m not saying that everyone should listen to the advice I have. I’m not saying that my writing is the best in the world.

I’m just saying that for some reason, I have these words that I need to get out sometimes. If people want to read them, that’s great.

I’d love to have feedback from people. I’d love to make this more of a conversation. A two-way conversation. I’m not really sure how to do that. I know other people are better at the whole conversation thing then I am. I’m aware of my need to work on following up with people who comment. on here. I’m just not sure how to do that.

So, for now I’ll just try to fill the blank pages with a little bit of myself. I’ll try to defy the voices in my head often enough to write a couple of times a week. Hopefully, the more I do defy the voices, the easier it will be to not listen to them at all.

Advertisements

Having kids has been a really strange experience for me. I feel like, in so many ways, I’m watching myself in Max. And that makes me so scared for him. The things I’ve been through in my life have been crazy. I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. Yet I wouldn’t change them, because, as they say, those are the things that brought me here. But I’m really not looking forward to my son having to go through any of those things.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to try and keep him from most of the things that I’ve been through. But I know he’s going to get hurt. I look at him, and he’s so innocent. I don’t look forward to the first time he realizes that the world is not fair and he’s not the center of it. I dread having to pick him up after he’s lost something and have to tell him it will all be ok.

But I know that’s my job. I wouldn’t want him to get everything he wasted in life. I wouldn’t want him to be a jerk who thinks he’s the king of the world. I don’t want him to think the world owes him something. So, I guess that means he’ll have to fall on his face at some point. I just pray that I’m there to pick him up and dust him off when he does.

Sorry if this post was a little somber. Just the thoughts that came into my head, when I sat down to write.

Tonight, my wife, mom and I, were talking about memories of being a kid. Everything I remembered about my child were these big reckless abandon moments. I was a carefree kid who would run head first into almost any situation with a smile on my face. The problem was, that I was also somewhat accident prone. So these memories also centered around injuries that I had sustained. Like the time I slide my bike under a parked dump truck on my knee. Fun times. My mom even said there were many times that she wasn’t sure I’d make it through childhood alive. Let alone with no broken bones at all. But I did.

This brings up several thoughts for me. First off, I’m scared for Max. He’s already showing a reckless side. Plus he’s inherited a double dose of the accident prone part. This will make his childhood very interesting and eventful, I’m sure.

But, it also brings up feelings of the things I’ve lost. Somewhere along the way I lost that reckless part. Worse than that, I replaced it with an extreme fear of doing almost anything remotely dangerous. I’m not even sure when along the way I lost this part. But at some point I stopped putting myself out there. I stopped making friends. I stopped trying new things. I moved into my little box and stayed there. I almost didn’t go out on the first date with my wife, because I was so scared.

It makes me wonder how many things I’ve missed in my life because I’ve been too scared to step out and try. I’m not saying that I want to go back to that total reckless abandon. But I really do wish I hadn’t lost that crazy streak. I think life would be a lot more fun if I were willing to try new things and step outside my little comfortable box once in a while. I might fall down sometimes. But I would at least be moving and hopefully in a forward direction.

So, I’m here today cause I think I might have actually figured out what I want to do with this blog. I think I’m just going to start talking about my life. Focusing mainly on being a stay-at-home dad. I’m going to try to be as honest as I can about all the struggles and joys of this life. I don’t know why I feel the need to share any of this online. I think I just need a place to write this stuff down. But I might as well let some others in on this journey. Maybe they can help me along the way. God knows I need all the help I can get.

I guess I should get to my first real blog post then…

First off, let me say that I love being a stay-at-home dad. It’s the greatest joy in my life. I’ve had so many amazing times with my son. He is truly the reason I get up most days. And not just because he’s standing there telling me to wake up. It’s been amazing. I truly think I was put here for this reason. And I look forward to getting to spend these next few years with my son and to adding my daughter to the mix.

But that being said, this is also the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Some might say that I haven’t really done that much with my life. But it still remains the hardest thing I can imagine. M is at once the most amazing and most demanding boss I’ve ever had. And I’ve had some bad ones.

Each new stage that we’ve entered has been a new and scary challenge. And the next stage is even scarier. As we look forward to adding C to our lives, I find myself filled with even more anxiety. I wonder sometimes how this guy who doesn’t even always feel like he can take care of himself can now take care of two kids. And two kids that need everything from him. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I look forward to the changes that are to come. But I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared.

I think that’s one reason I’m writing on here. I don’t really feel like I have anyone to really talk to this stuff about. I don’t have anybody in my life that really understands what I’m going through. I know that is partially my fault. I’ve hidden myself away to the point that I don’t really have many, if any real friends. I have people that I talk to once in a long while, and I have family. But I don’t have anyone who sits down with me and really talks about how things are going. So, I guess that’s what this blog is going to be. For now anyway.